To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
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Your mother has terrible taste in children.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Good morning
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food