To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
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Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky