To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
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I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate