To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.