To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
You Might Also Like
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Oh hi lol
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.