To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
You Might Also Like
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*