To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
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Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces