To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
asked my bf how work was today
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start