Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

The Assassin.

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

bad news gang

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

🚲+physics = winner

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too