Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone

Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

incredible text to wake up to

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies