Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”