Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
You Might Also Like
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.