Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
You Might Also Like
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.