Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
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my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….