today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
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So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
There are usually two types of merchants.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.