today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Saturday
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
#Caturday
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: