Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
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Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy