today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
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Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well