Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
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WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
My work here is done
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Florida man