Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
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The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I did not eat the cake…
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry