Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
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2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.