Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
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Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.