Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.