Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
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Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
happy mother’s day❤️