@River_Niles

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

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@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

@piques15

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

@robotrowboat

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

@clichedout

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

@NikiWithIssues

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

@WonderMonkey78

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

@gdun

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

@Drivelodeon

If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.

@_NTFG_

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