Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
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*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”