Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
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I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
never ask a starfish for directions
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Lmfao
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities