Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
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Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.