Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
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Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.