Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
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scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.