Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..