today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
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“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.