Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
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I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”