Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
my retirement plan is braless
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…