Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
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[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?