Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
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That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”