Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
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Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.