Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
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[overheard at a 7 year oldâs birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: đČ
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
how come some families are all, like, âweâre direct descendants of many important historical figures,â & my family is all, like, âthat raccoon is your uncle cletus.â
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
itâs cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Raisins are grape jerky.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: Iâll just be small and happy.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like âPlease stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.â
Itâs been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Itâs a bird. Itâs a plane.
Itâs a joke that went over your head.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Not today. đ
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesnât know what to do except say âoh thatâs a problemâ and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. Itâs fine. I have all night. đ€Ż
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
[first day at the cia]
me: whereâs the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know đ¶ party girls donât get hurt đ¶
boss: thatâs sia
me: i know how itâs pronounced i work here
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.