Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice