Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.


[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*


BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend


[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]


In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”


Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.


I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.


I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.


Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines


Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”