Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
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OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.