Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

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I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.


cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that


8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*


If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.


Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.


Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers


*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?


Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.


Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids