Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
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I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead