Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
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Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.