Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
You Might Also Like
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.