
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.