Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
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I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.