@MasterOfFury

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

@zoeklar

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

@GMPaiella

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

@Birdhumms

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

@bewgtweets

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

@Rollinintheseat

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

@jus4golf

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

@daemonic3

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

@TheAlexNevil

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.