@kelkulus I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
@MasterOfFury Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
You Might Also Like
@kelkulus 
@PaulyPeligroso So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
@Stella1070 I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
@Aspersioncast I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
@Kadayo_Takamini Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
@NikiWithIssues There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
@1Happytwit There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
@TheRealPalMal Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
@xoMISSYox Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
@FrankCurtisB When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?