Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

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Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.


Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.


I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence


Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell


Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children


*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”


My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.


The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.


5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.