Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
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“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud