Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
You Might Also Like
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.