Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
the clam before the storm
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*