Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”