Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
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one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying