Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
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ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I pray every night that I never become religious…
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..