Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
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North and South
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no