Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
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Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.